i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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