did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
