yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
