I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
