I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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