When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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