Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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