I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
