you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
