thus making me awesome and them whores
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
sarcasm needs its own font
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
