It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i just made my gag reflex go away.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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