Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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