she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
