Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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