Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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