my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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