Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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