Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
whose parrot is this?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
