i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
