You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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