i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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