hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
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