I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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