How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
