She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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