If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
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Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
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I got inside last night via doggy door
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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