What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Randomize
