you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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