she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
