do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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