I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
