just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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