I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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