why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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