Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
