i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
