You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
