I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
