I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I love you.
Bad choice
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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