You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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