she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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