why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
