I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
