so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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