im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
FUCK WHALES
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
