i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
