tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
