Plan B is the new Plan A
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
