In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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