Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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