when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
